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Romeo
Bob: '*does his signature greeting* Hey, guys. Have you ever had a friend who's about to go out on a date, but you ''just couldn't quite bring yourself to tell him that what he was wearing was absolutely horrible? Just imagine if there was a whole movie like that. The main theme from the movie he's about to review plays, accompanied by various clips from it. 'Bob: '*voiceover* Imagine, if you will, the classic tale of Romeo and Juliet as re-enacted entirely by cartoon seals, and it's directed by Phil Nibbelink, who's had his hand in a ton of animated classics. Posters for some of the films Phil worked on are seen. '''Bob: '''So, not only do we have a great story that's made up by a great animator, but... and I can't stress this point enough, he was... the '''only animator on the entire movie. *voiceover* I am not even kidding with that. He was the only animator, working for four years straight on this project. He also produced it, wrote it, and edited it all on his own. Seriously, the only thing he didn't do was the music and the voice acting. Cut to a brief clip of the character Phil plays in the movie, a grayish-green elephant seal named Prince, who represents Tybalt, Prince Escalus, and Count Paris from the original play. Bob: '*voiceover* Oh, wait. He did some of that, too. '''Bob: '''So, what's so bad about this monumental labor of love? *takes out a DVD remote* Well, let's check out "Romeo & Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss" and find out. ''He presses a button on the remote and switches over to the movie. 'Bob: '*voiceover* The movie opens with a little narration about who we're going to be following. 'Narrator (Michael Toland): '''Once upon a time, in a world not very different from our own, there lived two families; alike in dignity, differing only... in color. The Capulets... (Stellar sea lions) and the Montagues. (California sea lions) From these two foes... came two star-crossed lovers. ''The camera pans up to the night sky, and the title screen appears in a flash of light. 'Bob: '*voiceover* Ah, yes, because when I hear the words "Romeo" and "Juliet", the first music that pops into my mind is not jazz. We see Benvolio (a small, chubby California sea lion) being chased by a couple of Capulets, and we're introduced to our running gag for the movie. Benvolio is being cornered against a rock and hears his friend, Mercutio (another California sea lion), quoting a line from "Hamlet" up on top of the rock. 'Mercutio (Chip Albers): '''Oh, Benvolio... I knew him well. '''Bob: '*voiceover* This one line isn't too bad, but trust me, the other Shakespeare jokes get really annoying really fast. Just as the Stellar sea lion was charging for the kill, Mercutio slides down from the rock and intimidates him. 'Mercutio: '''To be, or not to be: that is the question. '''Bob: '*voiceover* And the narrator points out that they've forgotten what this feud's all about to begin with, but I wouldn't be surprised if they wanted to kill Benvolio here because of his voice. 'Benvolio (Sam Gold): '*chuckling* He's definitely not to be. 'Bob: '*voiceover* So, they fight for a bit, but then... The sea and sky become a reddish hue, followed by Bob's room doing the same as he looks on, confused. 'Bob: '''Oh my god, what the hell could it ''be?! A figure rises from the sea, and reveals himself to be the aforementioned Prince. Bob screams for a second, and then suddenly stops as the hue in his room returns to normal. 'Montague (Steve Goldberg): '*stuttering* The prince! 'Capulet (also Michael Toland): '*stutters as well* Your majesty! All of them bow to Prince. 'Prince (Phil Nibbelink): '''If ''ever you disturb this beach again, your very lives will pay the price! All the sea lions gasp. 'Prince: '*snorts* Banishment to Shark Island! The camera pans over to show a small island shaped like a shark's fin and, here's a no-brainer, surrounded by sharks. 'Bob: '''Oh my god, the questions that arise with this scene. One: what the hell is that? Two: this thing is a ''prince? A prince of what?! Why are the seals listening to this guy instead of some authority figure in their own ranks? Three: there's an island of sharks? Why are they limiting themselves to this one island when there's a nice sea lion buffet over there on the mainland? Four: and I can't ask this question enough, '''WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! *voiceover* Seriously, it looks like a scrotum that grew a body! I'm not sure if I'm allowed to show this on YouTube or not! So the fight's broken up, and they part their separate ways. Mercutio hears word of a party that the Capulets are throwing... somehow, and proposes to Benvolio that they crash it. Benvolio: '''Mercutio, we're Montagues. If we go to a Capulet party, they'll turn us into fish bait. '''Mercutio: '''Ah, but faint hearts never won fair sea lionesses. '''Bob: '''I'll admit it's been a while since I've actually read "Romeo and Juliet", so maybe the play actually explains his motivation more clearly than this movie does, but if they're going to a Capulet party, doesn't that mean that there are only going to be Capulet women there? Exactly, how much poon do you expect to get from your mortal enemies? *voiceover* They later find Romeo, moping on a cliff side- '''GAH!!! The camera reveals Romeo to be smaller than both Mercutio and Benvolio, and when he opens his eyes, he is shown to have bigger pupils, all of which making him seem like a child. Bob: '''*stunned* And he apparently just came back from seeing the optometrist. *voiceover* OK, I know that Romeo's supposed to be kind of young, but man, this is just '''bizarre! It looks like he was just born! This is not what romantic leads are supposed to look like! Anyway, instead of explaining to his friends why he's feeling so down, he sings about it! Oh, goody! Romeo (Daniel Trippett): '*spoken while his friends sing back-up* I need a girl who... will be true. Someone to swim with in, you know, the ocean blue. A girl who can love me for who I am. I want a girl who will... understand. *singing* I wanna find a girl that's right for me, I wanna find a girl that's right for me '''Bob: '*voiceover, imitating Romeo* Because I met too many girls who have been wrong for me, that's why it's time that I finally met the one that's right for me! *normal* Yeah, never mind the issue of his questionable age, how long have you been dating? So, Mercutio convinces Romeo to crash the party with him. 'Romeo: '''Let's party! '''Mercutio: '''Partying... is such... sweet sorrow. ''Bob slams his head down on the table. 'Bob: '*voiceover* They make it to the Capulet party, but... *feigning surprise* Uh-oh, what's this? '''Romeo: This is a Capulet party, we are Montagues. They will kill us! Bob: '''*stammers, still feigning surprise* What?! You mean that when Mercutio said that this was a Capulet party, he meant that it was a... *leans towards the camera* '''Capulet party?! A dramatic sting plays. Bob: '*voiceover* But they cleverly disguise themselves as Capulets by... rolling around in the snow. Because it's not just like the snow could just melt off of these warm-blooded animals, would it? '''Benvolio: '*nervous* I really don't want to be here, I really don't want to be here... 'Bob: '*voiceover* But the prince is there, too, laying his moves on Juliet, and naturally, she looks as creepily young as Romeo. 'Prince: '''I'm gonna ask your daddy something ''very important. Prince chuckles as a green mist emits from his mouth when he talks, making it clear that he hasn't brushed his teeth in weeks. 'Prince: '''I'm gonna make you the ''luckiest girl in town... *chuckles again* 'Juliet (Patricia Trippett): '*coughing* 'Prince: '''Are you crying? '''Juliet: '*coughs again* I'm just so- so happy... 'Bob: '''So, it wasn't enough to simply make the prince an unnecessary foil for Romeo, because I guess the subplot of their families being at war wasn't potent enough, but they also had to had to make him a clumsy lout with bad breath? How exactly did this guy earn the respect of the seal community, and what's the point of pointing out that he has bad breath? Did the other sea lions discover dental hygiene, making bad breath a faux pas? ''While Prince was looking for Juliet, Romeo appears from behind one of the crates, facing the camera and giving Bob a jump-scare. 'Romeo: '*chuckling nervously* H-hi... 'Bob: '*uncomfortable* O-kay, thank you for the nightmare fuel, Romeo. The clip plays again in slow motion. 'Bob: '*voiceover* Actually, he's just introduced himself to Juliet, which... *groans* makes Mercutio break out into song. 'Mercutio: '*speak-singing* Love is in the air, love is everywhere when a sea lion meets a sea lioness, they fall in love, very in love William Shatner's rendition of Elton John's "Rocket Man" dubs over Mercutio's singing. 'Bob: '*voiceover* So, I guess when Romeo says that he's looking for the right girl who will understand him, he figures that the best thing to do is make out with the first girl that you see only after exchanging one word of dialogue with her. 'Benvolio: '''This is embarrassing. '''Bob: '*voiceover* So, the prince chases him around a bit, and his true self is revealed. Romeo falls into the water, washing off the snow from his body and revealing his true color. 'Prince: '*gasps* Romeo, a Montague! Various other sea lions start shouting "A Montague!". 'Bob: '''Oh, no! Now the prince knows that it was Romeo who was moving in on his girl! Now he's going to have him banished to Shark I- *beat* Huh? He ''doesn't have him banished to Shark Island? *beat* Does he need any kind of punishment from the prince? Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah, OK. *clears his throat* Oh, no! Now the prince knows that it was Romeo who was moving in on his girl, and now he's going to do absolutely '''nothing! *voiceover* So, Romeo and Juliet prepare for their famous balcony scene, underneath the tree that can somehow survive being in the Arctic Circle. Juliet: 'Romeo, Romeo... A Montague, the only son of my only enemy, but it's only his color that's my enemy. Oh, what's in a color? '''Bob: '''Girl, you're already involved in a story that deals with pointless feuding, suicide, and possible pedophilia. Why don't we just go ahead and leave the sticky subject of race relations out of this, 'kay? ''Juliet giggles at Romeo, and a slow aria starts up. 'Juliet: '*voiceover, singing* I love you for who you are... 'Bob: '*singing* Even though I know not who you are... 'Romeo: '''I love you for who you are you are my lucky star... '''Bob: '*voiceover* Yeah, yeah, yeah, they like each other and they can't sing. 'Bob: '''Moving on. *presses another button on his remote and fast-forwards through the song* '''Romeo: '''Juliet... will you... marry me? '''Juliet: '*gasps* 'Bob: '''You see... this is why it's a bad idea to have only one artist on any one movie. You need other people to bounce ideas off of. In this case, someone should've stepped in and said that this is a ''really awkward design for these two romantic leads. *voiceover* Seriously, these characters just look too young and innocent for comfort. I feel dirty just watching these two. The giant heads, the big, innocent, saucer-like eyes, I feel like I'm watching animated child porn or something. Couldn't they be drawn to look more like Mercutio or something? '''Bob: '''I know I was complaining about the penguin boobs from "Happy Feet" before, but these characters are a lot more cartoony! They could benefit from that kind of exaggeration! *voiceover* Instead, these seals just look like little children! It's just creepy! (Editor: Yeah, considering the orgasm face Juliet just made!) '''Romeo: '''Meet me tomorrow at Friar Laurence's church, and there, we shall be wed. '''Bob: Friar Laurence, huh? You know... suddenly I'm reminded of "The Lion King", where they established where the king of the lions does in fact marry his lionesses. They leave it kind of vague as to what that actually entails, but in this movie, they actually have 'friars'. *beat* Do these animals believe in Christianity? *voiceover* But enough of asking whether or not animals actually believe in a higher power, let's actually meet this Friar Laurence, who- hi, squirrel Merlin! No, seriously, It's Merlin from Disney's "Sword in the Stone"! A picture of Merlin (from the previously mentioned animated movie) as a squirrel is shown beside Friar Laurence, who is actually a sea otter. Bob: '''Come on, movie! Your character designs may have been a little bit creepy, but you shouldn't have to rip Disney off! *voiceover* And feel free to correct me on this, but I don't think sea otters actually live this far north. But, yeah, Romeo goes to Friar Laurence to ask if he'll marry them, and he agrees just as Juliet shows up. '''Juliet: Romeo! Romeo: Juliet! Friar Laurence (Michael Toland for the third time): Ah, and here she is now! Romeo and Juliet rush over to each other and start kissing each other all over for quite a while. We also briefly cut back to Bob, who is seen cringing in disgust. Friar Laurence: You two can't wait 'til after the wedding? Bob: *still cringing* And you suddenly became my favorite character. *voiceover* So Romeo and Juliet get married as they gaze creepily into each other's eyes. And I can only wonder as to what this actually means. No witnesses, no marriage certificates, no exchange of rings, hell, not even any exchange of vows! What did they actually do to get married, and what does marriage even mean to seals? *sighs* OK, I'll try to stop nitpicking here. So they get married, and... no... A familiar looking sunken ship under the ocean is shown with Romeo holding Juliet on the bow of the ship in a similar fashion to the two main characters in the namesake's movie. Bob: *looking on in disbelief* It's not... *voiceover* it's... it's the Titanic! Bob grips onto his office chair and imitates Luke Skywalker in "The Empire Strikes Back", complete with the musical score. Bob: No... no... That's not true... That's impossible! We cut to a clip of Darth Vader from the same movie. Darth Vader: Search your feelings, you know it to be true. Bob: *Luke's voice superimposed over his own* NOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO!!!' '*voiceover* IT'S ANOTHER ANIMATED TITANIC MOVIE!!! Because THREE horrible animated movies about the Titanic just WASN'T enough, someone had to go and make a FOURTH animated Titanic movie! ''' '''Bob: My god... I'm... I'm gonna be stuck reviewing animated Titanic movies for the rest of my life!... Spoony thought he'd just do "Final Fantasy VIII" just for kicks, and now he's stuck reviewing every single Final Fantasy game!... I reviewed "Tentacolino", and I've got animated Titanic movies!... The Nostalgia Critic knew... he knew that if he ever did "Tentacolino", he, too, will be doomed to review every Titanic movie that doesn't even exist yet! Why didn't you warn us, Nostalgia Critic?! *shakes the camera* WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN US?!?! (NOTE: This review was released about three-and-a-half years before the Nostalgia Critic's review of "Tentacolino".) The video cuts to static snow, and then to the "Technical Difficulties" screen from "The Simpsons", featuring a drunk cameraman. ''''Bob: *voiceover, still a bit unnerved* So, after our star-crossed lovers are done dancing on the icy graves of hundreds of innocent men, women, and children, they go back to being creepy and awkward. As our two disturbingly young-looking romantic leads begin canoodling on a rock nearby a waterfall, a small orange fish named Kissy (played by Phil's own daughter, Chanelle) gets in between them. Kissy (Chanelle Nibbelink): *giggling* Can I kiss him, too? He's so handsome. *kisses Romeo on the nose* Are you guys married? Are you having any... babies! 'Ba-bies. I don't like stinky babies, pee-yew. *jumps into Juliet's arms* Can I be your baby? I mean, your ''stinky baby! Both Romeo and Juilet chuckle as Bob chugs from a bottle of Captain Morgan Long Island Iced Tea. '''Bob: *voiceover* But the prince discovers their creepy canoodling, and once again does absolutely nothing. ''Seriously, we saw that he has no qualms about eating Romeo, so why doesn't he just try doing ''that again? The prince tracks Romeo back to his home beach. But before he can eat our cherubic hero, Mercutio gets him away by throwing taunts and insults at the prince... and I have no idea why. He doesn't seem to have mouth diarrhea during the rest of the movie, so where is this coming from? Mercutio: *being chased up the cliff by Prince* You know, I can't tell if you're going forwards or backwards! Prince charges at Mercutio and tries to bite him, but he keeps missing. Mercutio: You know, Prince? Prince! You're so fat, you could sell shade! *to an uneasy Romeo* You know, Romeo, the prince is so stupid, that if he fell off a cliff, he'd have to stop for directions! *laughing* I'm killing myself! Prince manages to catch Mercutio in his jaw and hurls him off of the cliff. Romeo: Mercutio! Bob: *voiceover* And Mercutio falls to his death. Romeo and the prince fall off the cliff, too, and they somehow survive completely unharmed. Consistency, what's that? The prince banishes Romeo to Shark Island for the heinous crime of stealing his girl. Prince: Now, Juliet, you will love me! We marry to-night! Bob: And I'm just wondering why the rest of the seal colony doesn't just rise up against the prince for killing one of their own, but- *feigning horror in an exaggerated fashion* Oh no! Romeo's getting banished! Oh-h-h, my go-o-od! '*normal voice* We then get a musical number with the prince. It's not catchy, it's not clever, it tells us nothing about his character, it pops up with no lead-in, and it goes absolutely nowhere, so let's just skip it. We then cut to Shark Island, where we see Romeo has ''not been eaten by the shark population, and he... oh, god, 'THE GOLDFISH AGAIN?! ' '''Bob: We already got enough disturbing cuteness from the main characters! We don't need you around to lighten the mood! Kissy: You know, I don't like the ocean. It's too wet! Bob: Too wet compared to what? 'YOU'RE A FISH!!! ' Kissy: Ohh... I think you need me to sing you a little song. Bob: *sarcastic* Sing a little song? What an unforeseen development! Kissy starts singing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" as the moonlight shines on them. Meanwhile, Bob is looking on in both shock and disbelief. After that, Romeo looks up and sees two stars close together glowing brightly, reminding of his so-called 'lucky star' and lifting his spirits. Kissy: *after finishing her song* OK, bye-bye. *kisses Romeo on the nose again and jumps back into the ocean, giggling* Bob: You know, Phil Nibbelink, if you really wanted to show off your little daughter singing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star", you could just shoot a video of her and post it on YouTube, you really don't have to put her in another pointless song number in a movie that's already this painful! *voiceover* But, yeah. Apparently singing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" is enough to get Romeo's spirits up again, and Juliet goes to Merlin- I mean Merlin- I mean Merlin- I mean Friar Laurence to see if he can help her. And how does he help her out? By... ripping off "Poor Unfortunate Souls", I guess. Friar Laurence: *singing* Juliet, I have an idea that you might like it's a clever plot to put things right I'll add a bit of this, and a little bit of that spice it up, yes, with an old dead bat Drink this potion before you wed You'll go to sleep and think you're dead! A section of "Poor Unfortunate Souls" from Disney's "The Little Mermaid" plays as Ursula's voice is superimposed over Friar Laurence's. Friar Laurence: Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Bob: Ah, finally, a piece of dialogue that I can get behind. *chugs from his Captain Morgan bottle again, voiceover* So Juliet drinks the potion and apparently dies, and- WHAT?! Mercutio reveals to have survived the fall and is seen looking on at Friar Laurence and an unconscious Juliet. Mercutio: *sighs* What a tangled web we weave... Bob: They gave Mercutio a big, elaborate death scene and he's still alive?! ' ''Cut to a shot of Mufasa from Disney's "The Lion King". '''Bob: *voiceover, as Mufasa* Yep, no biggie. *normal voice* So, yeah, Mercutio's alive somehow and he sees Juliet dying, and I guess he somehow missed Friar Laurence's over-the-top explanation of how this potion only gives the illusion of death, and Laurence delivers Juliet's body to the wedding. Friar Laurence: I have sad tidings... Juliet is... dead. All the Capulets at the wedding gasp in dismay. Bob: So, this wedding's down a bride, but up on catering. Hey, works for me. *voiceover* Benvolio runs off to tell Romeo about Juliet's death, but Laurence can't stop him to explain what's really going on. Friar Laurence: *out of breath* I should've never quit jogging... *wheezes* Bob: *voiceover* Funny, I didn't know otters could breathe underwater. The camera zooms out to reveal Friar Laurence to be sitting on the nose of a shark. Bob: *voiceover* And I also didn't know that sharks didn't have pectoral fins. Friar Laurence: Why does it always have to be a shark? Romeo: *elated* Benvolio, my friend! What brings you here? Tell me all about Juliet! *laughing with joy* Does she still love me, huh? *starts becoming confused* Benvolio: Romeo, she's... dead. The video fades to monochrome, and CLOSED is marked on the screen. Bob: Romeo goes off to see if what Benvolio said is true, and it's a tragic, heart-wrenching scene as he sees his beloved lying dead before him. A look of devastation comes across Romeo's face as he sees Juliet's motionless body. Bob: *voiceover* But enough of that, it's time for a rap number! Friar Laurence: *rapping and taunting the shark* Come on, shark, you big, ugly whale! Don't you want to bite my nice, furry tail? You like it? You want it? It tastes real fine! You gotta come now, 'cause it's dinnertime! Cut to Bob resembling an old-school rapper (complete with him wearing his "Captain America" cap backwards and holding his black box like a boombox), rapping to "Party Time" from "Titanic: The Legend Goes On". Bob: *rapping* Dinnertime! Dinnertime! Everybody's feeling fine, 'cause it's dinnertime! Friar Laurence continues evading the shark, leading him all the way to the interior of the so-called Titanic (Actually the Neptune). Friar Laurence: Does the world really need another shark chase? Bob: *voiceover* Oh, I don't know. Does the world really need ANOTHER ANIMATED TITANIC MOVIE?! 'Romeo kisses Juliet one last time, and I guess the potion that she drank has enough kick on it to knock him out, too. And... I gotta be honest here, the scene ''is pretty sad. '''Bob: No, I-I'm being totally serious here. This... this is a heartbreaker right here. They look dead enough, but I know they're only asleep. *voice breaking* I just want them to be dead! Why... Why can't they be dead?! '''*sobbing* '''Friar Laurence: *to the Montagues and Capulets* Where are these enemies? Capulet? Montague? The leaders of the two families bow their heads in shame. Friar Laurence: See how your hate has found a way to kill your children?! Bob: *voiceover, as Capulet* Umm, no, not really. We see dozens of our family members get killed over this feuding. It shouldn't be that big of a shocker. All the sea lions begin howling over the feud that's been driving them apart for many years, and the two sides begin to reconcile with each other. Then, we cut to a brief clip of Charlie Brown screaming. Bob: *voiceover* But who should show up to ruin another emotional scene? Mercutio, surfing and telling jokes! Mercutio: *arriving at the scene on a wave* 'Tis I! *chuckling* Thou was having a party and you didn't invite moi? ''Ah, to surfer the slings and arrows of outrageous- *sees Romeo & Juliet's 'corpses'* Ooh... this party looks dead. '''Bob:' What's the point of trying to bring emotional depth into this movie if you're not going to let anything sink in?! Cut to a scene from "Mary Shelley's Frankenhole". Dr. Victor Frankenstein: A, Because. B, It's. C, BORING! '''Need any more of your precious reasons? '''Bob: *voiceover* But, yeah. They wake up, they all dance, and no one questions how the hell Mercutio is alive. Oh, yeah, and the prince meets a lady sea lion-manatee-scrotum creature. Glad to see that little subplot got resolved. Bob: So, that was "Romeo and Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss", and there are only two words that can fully describe it: beautiful crap. *voiceover* The animation is gorgeous, and I can't stress enough how impressive it is since this entire movie was made by only one person, but that's also its biggest problem! Filmmakers need other people to gage their ideas to see what works and what doesn't. The jokes don't work, the character designs for Romeo and Juliet themselves don't work, a lot of the plot points don't work, the musical numbers don't work, it's just a beautifully animated mess. Oh, yeah, and it's also got one other really big problem with it: IT'S ANOTHER ANIMATED TITANIC MOVIE!!! ''' '''Bob: But, as long as Captain Morgan has plenty of iced tea handy, I think I'm gonna be OK. He sips from his bottle of Captain Morgan once more as William Shatner's rendition of "Rocket Man" plays over the end credits.Category:Transcripts Category:Overrated Disgraces Category:Well-Animated Schlock